I official end the third decade of my life next week.

I plan on regretting at least 23 things.

I always find it amusing when people ask me for relationship advice. I clearly have no clue what I am doing. If you want advice on how to scare a man away and be chronically single, those are areas in which I am an expert.

Last night, I was out with work folk for a few pints, and the only married guy at the table was giving us all advice. I’d like to share some of his wisdom:

When the subject of dating a guy who’s style is more out of date than yours, he said “Don’t worry about that superficial stuff.” (I was thinking he was about to talk about going beyond the appearances)  “You’ll change all that when you start dating anyway. Do you think I dress myself?”

When the subject of where to meet good people came up he said “Networking events. Everyone just wants to meet people at those things.” That, actually, is not a bad idea.

And, my favorite quote from him for the whole  night: “If women were like men, the world would be over-populated.”

Think he’s right?

Our office Christmas party is being held December 11th.

I optimistically rsvp’d for myself + 1.

That leaves me  34 days to find a +1.

A girlfriend of mine just sent an e-mail out this morning about her upcoming big new-relationship step to meet the parents. This is indeed a huge step. My last relationship failed because, after a year, I still had not even met the brother.

My friend was having a mild heart attack over what to wear, what to say, etc. and I was reminded of the last time I did meet the parents. I was still in University,  so the fact that the bf was living at home was ok. He played football, so he obviously couldn’t get a job to pay for his own apartment (go Rams!).

I was really nervous about meeting the mother. (After having dated him for 3 years, she still scares me). I really wanted to make a good first impression. At the time, I only had two categories of clothes, dressy (cause I worked in a shoe store) and super casual (cause I was in school). I thought something in between was more appropriate.

I called on my bff at the time for help. She lent me some khaki shorts, a sweater vest and a golf shirt. I looked like I just came from a freaking tennis match. It was soooooo not me. But I thought it made me look respectable, from a good family, all that jazz.

The second the bf opened the door, he burst out laughing; which instantly made me feel like a dork and totally put me at unease. Then, still chucking, he brought me back to meet the fam. I was so nervous. Then when the mom looked me up and down, saw the nervousness and uncomfortableness on my face, she began laughing too. My face went beet red and I’m pretty sure I began speaking in tongues because I forgot how to speak english.

Here is how the conversation went. I remember this because the bf reminded me about it over and over again throughout our relationship:

Mom: So, what movie are you going to see?

Me: Don’t. Know.

Mom: What kind of movies do you like?

Me: Don’t. Know.

Mom: What theater are you going to?

Me: Don’t. Know.

Mom: Well, did you drive here or are you going to be walking?

Me: Don’t. Know.

Should’ve had a shot of tequilla before that night.

It try not to be too picky when it comes to the men I date, but I do have a few deal breakers. 3 things I will not put up with in a relationship:

1) unemployed (I don’t make nearly enough to support two people)

2) lives with his mother (I can’t believe I actually have to say it, but I know too many men who still live in their mother’s basements

3)…

Ok, it’s really just 2 things.

I first wrote about this guy back in February after he pressured me to go on one of the worst dates of my life. Then he vanished from the gym for months, and reappeared a changed man. He’s been popping back quite a bit lately. He still tries to get my attention, and though I feel like I’m crushing him every time I ignore him, I feel there is no other way to get rid of him.

When I walked in today, I went straight for the bench press machine. Asked some beef standing nearby if anyone was on it, and he said he hadn’t seen anyone, so I started loading it up. Out of nowhere comes Chicken Shawarma; “I’m on there” he says. “Ok, sorry” I say and promptly jump on to another machine.

When he finishes, I am mid chest press with barbells hanging above my head. “I’m done on there, yo.” Uhm. He had a gangsta accent. Now, from the last time I spoke with him, he was going through some life changes, but the guy grew up in the Toronto suburbs. Why on earth does he all of a sudden have an accent? I hate guys like this.

I went out on Saturday night with the Toronto Scottish Rugby team for the 13th annual Halloween booze cruise. Yes, it was November 1st, and not October 31st…but that meant I got my costume on sale. For my costume, I dressed up as a bat. Not Batgirl, just a bat. I chose the costume because I saw some wings that I really liked.

Everyone assumed I was Batgirl though. This is understandable because of the amount of people out dressed up as superheros. There as a Batman and a Batgirl that were part of the same party. My question for society is, why is that hot? When I initially got upset (not really) when someone mistook me for Batgirl, someone said “Well, Batgirl is hot.” This got me thinking- what is it about women (or men) dressed up like animals that is hot? Are bats on their own hot? No. Are cats hot? Not to most- but put a curvy chick in a Catwoman outfit (which, you can buy at the sex stores) and men go nuts. Am I the only one who finds it weird?

My girlfriend was dressed as a wench. That makes more sense to me. Dressed as a slutty human. That is hot.

I have a thing for tattoos. The more the sexier. I kinda like piercings too. I went out with a guy once who had some sort of tribal symbol (I couldn’t tell you what his nationality was) that spanned his entire chest, and that alone probably got him a date or two more than he deserved.

A new thing I do at the gym to pass time is to guess which guys have tattoos, of what, and where on their body. I’ve developed a crush on a guy that I’ve seen at the gym a million times, but never noticed until I decided he probably has a massive panther across his back. Ok, maybe panthers aren’t the coolest tattoos, but whatever, I don’t know anything about tattoos and I know that’s a common one.

A girlfriend of mine is totally into tattoos (on herself…she also has piercings in places you wouldn’t expect on a Senior Manager at one the the big four accounting firms in Canada). Her tattoos are very symbolic to her and whatever time of her life she was in when she got them. When I told her that my brother has a tattoo on his upper chest of a man and woman embracing, she asked what it symbolised for him. When I said I didn’t know, she freaked on me and told me that I need to ask. So I did. His answer “Dunno. Just thought it looked nice.” (Note: Tattoos on my brother, not hot).

I was considering getting a tattoo, but, like my brother, I am not deep and don’t know what to get. Then there’s the whole “tramp stamp” thing, which I don’t get. The small of my back is a place as intimate as some other parts of my body no one gets to see, and I think it’s sexy to have one there, but I don’t want people to think I’m a tramp.

Do you think tattoos are sexy? Do you think tramp stamps are trampy? Any suggestions for what I should get?

I have my first eHarmony date tonight. I am not excited for it, other than for tomorrow’s blog post. Marc from Toronto. In his profile, he wrote things like “I love experiences.” “I recently learned to surf” (yes, Toronto. No, we don’t have beaches), and “I really believe that two people should “click”".

Just so you know, I’m doing this for my readers.

When I was in University, I met this incredible guy. He was cool, sweet, good-looking, played football, funny, reasonably smart, came from a good family…all the things I was totally into. Early on in our relationship (after I came back from the hair salon and was looking particularly hot), he said to me, before heading to class “You’re too good for me.” Then he kissed me and ran out the door.

I was left speechless. I’d never had a man say this to me before. How could he possibly have thought that?? He was perfect for me and made me so happy!

So I spent the next few months complimenting him, telling him how great he was, how cool, sweet, good-looking, funny, reasonably smart he was. I even started pointing out my flaws so that he would see that I wasn’t perfect (when in actuality, I am). Unfortunately, it didn’t go so well for me. I ended up boosting his ego through the roof and made him think I was inferior, and he eventually dumped me (on New Years Eve, at a big party, in front of hundreds of people…and I’m pretty sure it was mostly to do with my bad haircut).

Ever since then, I cringe when someone says “You’re too good for me.” Shelly, a friend of mine who I recently highlighted in this post, was going through a break-up with her long-distance boyfriend. She said that while he was “not-dumping” her (a tactic employed by balless men), he would tell her that she was too good for him, and that she needs to be with someone better.

Do you know what’s more annoying than having someone think they are not worthy of you? Having them tell you what you need. When a guy says something like that, you almost don’t want to dump him just so that you can prove that you know what’s best for you and that you can make that decision on your own. Until she told me that, I was kinda sticking up for the guy. Shelly is a grown woman, who has loved and lost several times, and can decide for herself what she needs.

I’ve long since made a pact with myself that if a guy ever says “You’re too good for me” I will agree and show him the door.